


a love that I don't deserve

by agcrazy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-05-21
Packaged: 2017-12-12 12:46:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/811742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agcrazy/pseuds/agcrazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>It's always so easy to lose oneself in a friendship</i>, Louis thinks as he downs a shot almost vindictively.</p><p>or the one where Liam and Louis are best friends who have sex and are vulnerable fools and mess things up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a love that I don't deserve

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, title taken from my favourite band Anberlin's song - Intentions
> 
> secondly, I literally wrote this in between classes and studying for my general paper within the last two days, so if it's a little shit, please pardon me :"}
> 
> thirdly, I can't write Lilo and not add in sexy scenes. soz. Lilo is like my fave esp when it comes to sexy scenes. Louis is my fave when it comes to sexy anything. ehehehe *pedo laugh*
> 
> okay that's all folks, ENJOY!

_It's always so easy to lose oneself in a friendship_ , Louis thinks as he downs a shot almost vindictively.

 

Liam is out there on the floor, dancing with the guy he has apparently been dating for the past two weeks. He asked Louis to meet them here tonight to let him know about that even though he and Liam are _flatmates_ and Louis just really needs more drinks.

 

Louis doesn't know why Liam felt the need to bring him here to say that _oh hey Lou, I'm seeing Zayn here. Wanted you guys to meet_. Besides, what kind of name is _Zayn_ anyway? It sounds like some sea creature from the pre-historic period that went extinct. But as it is, Zayn is perfectly lovely. By far the most beautiful person Louis has ever seen and sort of shy and Louis wants to find the nearest cave to take up permanent residence in.

 

And maybe Liam had the right of it to bring Louis to a club or a place with alcoholic beverages where he can get drunk to his heart's content before telling him the news because Liam is one of those people who actually learns from past mistakes; and history has shown time and again that whenever Liam had informed Louis that he has a boyfriend or is dating someone, Louis would always loyally clap him on the shoulder in a congratulatory way before proceeding to get drunk as a skunk at the nearest bar. Which is - well, Louis did it subconsciously enough and refused to ever really think about his reactions to such declarations from Liam but if Liam has taken to bringing him to clubs instead of gushing to him about his crushes like a teenage girl then Louis needs to rethink his life choices and his best friend skills.

 

"Hey, handsome," comes a sleazy voice from beside him.

 

"Fuck off," Louis says without looking up. He is not even the mood to sneer at the shithead who bothered.

 

The thing is, Louis doesn't know when he went from _Lee-yum, you cannot run away from my nipple pinches_ to _fuck, fuck, Liam, you're so hot I wanna lick you_. It might have always been there actually - just that Louis didn't realise it at first when the 18-year-old shy, stuttering, constantly blushing Liam had turned up at their shared dorm room in university and introduced himself. They've been roommates and then flatmates ever since, and Louis has managed to loosen Liam up significantly one cuddle _fest_ at a time.

 

And it's such a cliche really - the heartless playboy falling in love with the warm, but clueless best friend who the playboy of course doesn't deserve. Louis knows that, of course he does, but it still doesn't stop him from wanting Liam, doesn't stop his heart from pining and aching. Hence, he downs two more shots straight and shakes his head at the zing they send through his body.

 

A familiar arm wraps around his shoulder. Louis doesn't need to think before he's relaxing into it.

 

"Hey, Li," Louis chirps, putting on a smile as he turns.

 

"Hi," Liam answers cautiously as he always does whenever Louis seems too happy. "How are you?"

 

"Have never been better. You? Been dancing, eh? With that pretty boy of yours?" Louis waggles his eyebrows lasciviously.

 

Liam blushes furiously and Louis really, _really_ wants to kiss him. Louis wants to kiss Liam all the time, just more so when he blushes.

 

"So, uh, what do you think of Zayn?" Liam asks nervously, hand tightening on Louis's shoulder.

 

"He's kind of perfect, isn't he? I mean, looks like a Greek God, treats you like the second coming of Christ even though we both know that's not true _and_ thinks I'm funny," Louis lists out.

 

"Well, yeah because that's the most important right," Liam says, making a face at Louis.

 

"Well, of _course_. What else would be more important than thinking I'm funny?" Louis asks in mock seriousness. They stare at each other for a moment before bursting out laughing.

 

"Liam?"

 

Liam turns away, gasping. "Oh, hey, babe."

 

"Hey, Zayn," Louis says, smiling at the man standing beside Liam now. Zayn is looking at the arm Liam has slung over Louis shoulder with a strange sort of look that Louis understands but he doesn't comment. He simply looks back down at the two more shots he has left.

 

"I was wondering if you wanna come out with me for a while, Li? I need a smoke," Zayn says shyly, leaning in to Liam.

 

Louis steadfastly ignores Zayn's use of _Louis'_ nickname for Liam.

 

"Yeah, sure," Liam agrees, "You're gonna be alright, Lou?"

 

Louis just waves them on, hand moving in to grab one the glasses.

 

Louis honestly can't figure what he's more depressed about - the fact that Liam is only telling him about them _two_ weeks after having been official with Zayn or that Liam never seems to ask _Louis_ out even though he has perpetually been single all of his life (by choice, mind you).

 

And Louis is such a knob as well because everytime Liam is single all Louis can think about is how he has his best friend back and they'll spend their days watching their favourite movies in turn every night and gorging on take-out food. He forgets that just because he is keeping Liam occupied doesn't mean Liam doesn't still go out, doesn't mean Liam isn't still meeting people, doesn't mean Liam isn't still dazzling people because he's that amazing. Doesn't mean people aren't falling over themselves to get a piece of his best friend. And _everytime_ before Louis can even blink, before Louis can be brave enough to ask Liam out, he'll be attached already or at least be all shy and blushing and giggling about someone _else_.

 

And _no_ , it's not Louis' fault that it takes him about a month to build up the courage every time he wants to ask Liam out. Even if he has been in love with the bloke for four years now.

 

That's two-thirds of how long they've known each other. _Huh_ , Louis thinks.

 

 _Time to drink more_.

 

xx

 

There's a glass of ice-cold lime juice and aspirin on his bedside table the next morning when Louis wakes up. Of course, there is.

 

Louis loves Liam for ever and ever, even if Liam doesn't love him enough to ever date him.

 

He groans as he valiantly tries to reach for the juice, but his head pounds like a bunch of elephants and hippopotamuses have decided to go to war in there and he just can't move. Just then, Liam comes in looking jovial as always.

 

"You're awake!"

 

"Shhhh," Louis hisses, tries and fails to throw the pillow at him.

 

"You shouldn't be mean to me," Liam says, "I made you your lime juice just how you like it and cold too."

 

Liam gets under the covers with him, and Louis immediately gravitates towards him. Louis congratulates himself when Liam doesn't flinch because Louis is only wearing pyjama bottoms when six years ago, Liam wouldn't even have stepped into the room. He makes a grateful noise for he finds Liam's skin cold from a recent shower. He smashes his face into Liam's neck, fingers slipping underneath the younger man's shirt. It's such a relief to his heated skin.

 

Liam laughs and the vibrations cause Louis' heartrate to pick up speed.

 

How inconsiderate.

 

Louis might be possibly be bipolar.

 

They lie like that for a while, Liam humming underneath his breath as he cards his fingers through Louis' hair while Louis cuddles Liam's side and tries not to projectile all of last night's content on him.

 

"Why did you bring me out to the club to tell me about. You know," Louis asks, peering up at Liam through his lashes.

 

"Oh. Just - well, usually you don't. You know why, Lou," Liam stutters, and Louis can feel the skin heating underneath his face.

 

"Well, yeah sure _I_ do. But I don't think you do," Louis says, desperately hoping that is true.

 

"Because - because you get sad and jealous that I won't be your best friend anymore everytime I date someone and therefore you go get drunk and I have to go search through the streets to find you and I thought it was better if you stayed in my sight!" Liam says in one breath, blushing an adorable shade of purple. _Oh_ , actually that looks rather hazardous.

 

"Oh, _Liam_ ," Louis sighs. "That's. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to take care of me. I'm sorry I made you feel guilty."

 

"I've been taking care of you since day one," Liam grumbles, pulling Louis into a headlock.

 

Louis laughs and struggles and his head hurts but he still readily goes into the playfight Liam seems to want. They tussle around on the bed, giggling and pawing at each other, tickling and pinching and screaming and eventually Liam lets him win. Louis lies panting on top of Liam, trying not to think about how fucking _good_ he feels beneath him with his abs and hard chest muscles.

 

When Louis goes to get up - his mouth feels like he dumped a rotten egg in there, he needs to brush his teeth - it's then that his thigh accidentally brushes against Liam's crotch.

 

Louis freezes.

 

Liam freezes.

 

It can't be. Or maybe it is. After all, Liam's gay too, and it's morning, it's normal to feel hormonal after a tussle with a pretty fit boy even if Louis says so himself. It's alright if Liam is sporting a hard-on. It's _alright._ There's no need for Louis to freak out.

 

"Liam?" Louis squeaks, because _of course_ he's freaking out.

 

But Liam's eyes are closed, has been all this while, and he doesn't answer Louis. Instead, he pushes up at Louis' thigh more and moans. Louis can't help but reciprocate when he feels Liam's dick press just like _that_. Louis shuffles up, slotting in perfectly between Liam's legs such that their cocks now press against each other. Louis' semi from the morning has already filled up.

 

Liam's hands come up to grip his hips and his eyes shoot open. Louis has never been more mesmerized by the brown.

 

" _Louis_ ," Liam whispers, voice cracked. And he doesn't let Louis reply before he's surging up and attacking Louis' lips. It's savage and mean and dirty and everything Louis never thought Liam could or even _would_ do to him.

 

Liam flips Louis over easily - strong, thick thighs bracketing Louis' hips as if to prevent him from escaping. Somehow their kiss doesn't break and Louis thinks it must be because they are so starved for this kiss. _Louis_ has been so starved for this kiss. Liam's fingers are clenching and unclenching in his hair, angling him this way and that way to suit however Liam wants to lick into his mouth. Louis lets him as he roams his own hands under Liam's shirt. He slides them up his abdomen, taking Liam's shirt as he does. Liam makes a disapproving noise but detaches their lips still, taking off his shirt and zeroing in on Louis' collarbone.

 

He litters bruise after bruise down Louis' chest while Louis is left helpless to fist at the sheets and moan and arch. He pants a chant of "Liam, Liam, Li- _am_!"

 

Liam's hands start start to slip under the elastic of his bottoms but Louis quickly rolls them over because he isn't ready for _that_ yet and needs to _think_ (but considering that Liam here is about to have sexual relations with him, thinking is far from possible, so). Louis straddles Liam and they take a moment to simply look at each other.

 

Everything falls away. Their hands are somehow clasped, blue eyes looking deeply into familiar brown ones. Both sets are little darker, faces a little more flushed.

 

This time when Louis leans down to kiss Liam, it's slow and sweet and all sorts of meaningful that Louis can't quite identify. He kisses up from his lips to behind his left ear, and then tugs on his ear with his teeth. Liam groans. Liam is gripping his hands hard enough to leave little nail indents.

 

Louis rotates his hips once. And then again. Liam curses and growls, a hand flying up to pull at Louis' hair. Louis laughs breathlessly. It has already become so sexually charged again, it's ridiculous.

 

 _Fuck it_ , Louis thinks when Liam starts tugging at his pants again. If Liam, of all people, has thrown caution to the wind, then who is he to care if they have a friendship to maintain, if Liam happens to be dating someone, if Louis doesn't deserve even this much of Liam?

 

Louis quickly pulls off his pyjama pants and avoids looking at Liam for fear of his reaction but he can't avoid hearing Liam's sharp intake of breath. He starts pulling at the knot on Liam's trackies instead. Liam lifts his hips up for him, a soft, questioning "Lou?" falling from his swollen lips.

 

Louis ignores it. Steadfastly works on getting off Liam's pants and then - then he just gets distracted by Liam's dick.

 

"Fuck," Louis whisper, throwing Liam' trousers over his shoulders somewhere.

 

He stares in awe at Liam in front of him. It's not that they have never seen each other naked - come _on_ , they've lived together for six bloody years, of course they've seen each other naked and even, wanking to porn before - but this is different. Different because _this_ is going to be inside Louis; as much as Louis likes to brag about how much of a big dick he has had inside him before when he is drunk out of any sense of propriety, Liam's one is a little daunting. And a lot enticing. Louis shivers just thinking about it.

 

"Lou, come on," Liam whines, tugging on Louis' biceps. He pulls Louis up till their face to face. "Need lube."

 

"Fuck lube," Louis mutters and grabs Liam's right hand. He takes three of his thick fingers into his mouth and starts sucking earnestly. He reaches back and wraps a palm around Liam's dick, using the pre-come as lubricant as he strokes it in time to his sucking.

 

"Fuck, Lou, your _mouth_ ," Liam moans, eyes squeezing shut. His chest is heaving and Louis loves every moment he gets to see Liam fall apart underneath him like this. To know he has this much power over him.

 

Louis pulls Liam's fingers out of his mouth and says, "Enough, isn't it? I like it to burn a little anyway." He smirks. "Put them in me, come on. Wanna feel - "

 

Louis can't finish because Liam is already pushing one finger in and it's overwhelming and Louis archs, his spine popping. He can feel every single ridge of Liam's bones and knows when he is knuckle-deep.

 

Five minutes later, Louis is fucking himself down on three of Liam's fingers, bouncing with one hand tucked in his own hair, the other placed on Liam's chest to brace himself. He is whimpering, "Need - need more. Need more. Want yo-you in me. Now."

 

"Yeah, yeah," Liam agrees, he sounds and looks wrecked. He pulls his fingers out and grasps Louis' hips tightly as Louis positions Liam's dick at his entrance. "You're so beautiful. So amazing, Lou. Never have looked so good as you are now."

 

He pulls Louis down for a kiss just as Louis guides the head into his entrance. They kiss and kiss and nibble on each other's lips playfully before Liam lets him up. Louis promptly sinks in. And it stings a lot but there's more pleasure than pain of finally getting here - _being_ with Liam than just getting fucked by him -  and they both sigh as Liam bottoms out.

 

Liam lets Louis adjust to the intrusion and it doesn't take long before the older man is grinding his hips in circular motions. Liam grits his teeth, still trying to not just grab Louis' hips and pound at him into next week. Louis leans forward and rests his hands on Liam's chest and experimentally circles his hips again. Liam's hands tighten. Oh _yes_ , it is definitely going to bruise.

 

Louis pushes up a tiny bit, then sinks back down and that seems to do it for Liam because before Louis knows what's happening, Liam is thrusting his hips hard enough to bounce Louis. He hits Louis' prostrate with uncanny accuracy so many time times despite Louis practically being dead weight right now. A particularly pointed jab to his prostrate that sends his toes curling has Louis scrambling to find a rhythm similar to that Liam's.

 

The rooms fills with sounds of sighs and pants and names half moaned and half choked out. Louis slumps forward, unable to hold himself up, when Liam wraps a hand around his aching dick.

 

There's a litany of _fuck, fuck, fuck_ falling from Liam's lips as he snaps his hips upwards harder and harder into Louis. They're both nearing their end and Louis can't do much more than to grunt and slip his arms around Liam's in a loose hug.

 

Louis comes first, arching deeply with chest pressing against Liam's and spilling onto their stomachs. His eyes fall shut and his mouth is open in a silent scream. His thighs tighten around Liam's hips, hole pulsing around Liam's dick.

 

It's that, that has Liam following. He goes still within Louis, big hands cupping firm arse tightly as he spills into the heat. He mouths at Louis' exposed neck as he does so, mind blank and body simply needing to touch whatever it can of Louis.

 

As they calm down, Louis wraps around Liam like a frog. When the younger boy slips out of him, he does nothing other than to whimper a little at the pain. He doesn't move when the come drips down his thighs, and not even when Liam tries to push him to clean them up. Liam gives up after a while, sighing and calling a _stubborn sod_.

 

"You've always been my favourite," is what Louis sleepily replies from underneath Liam's chin.

 

xx

 

Liam is not there when Louis wakes up again that afternoon, clean and in a new pair of pyjama pants.

 

Liam doesn't come home that night.

 

Louis spends the whole day happy enough. Not worried or anything, because why would he be? He loves Liam and Liam has never hurt him (barring the boyfriends he always turns up with, but that's as much Louis' fault as anyone's) and Louis doesn't think anything is wrong that Liam wasn't there when he woke up.

 

He probably just went out for shopping or to meet Harry or to buy a dog like he always wanted to or maybe tell Zayn he wants to stop seeing him. Yeah, _yeah,_ that is it.

 

Louis _isn't_ worried and goes about cleaning the flat for once because he is happy and he wants Liam to be happy with him when he gets home. He is surprised to find that they actually have bleach at home. _Who knew._

 

It's when evening rolls around and Liam still isn't back that Louis starts worrying. He hasn't yet once called Liam or even texted him because well, he knows he has no sense of personal space but they just had sex for the first time and maybe Liam needed some time away from him. Louis can respect that. In the six years that Louis has known the Wolverhampton boy, he has never left the flat without leaving a note to Louis telling him where he has gone and when he might back and Louis can take a hint as well as anyone, _okay_.

 

Besides, Louis needed time to think about the _event_ too. Having Liam at home, lounging around and generally being sexy would not have helped him decipher anything.

 

But as it is, Liam isn't back and all that he has deciphered might be moot anyway.

 

Maybe Liam has realised that this morning was a mistake. Yeah, probably, he has. After all, Louis doesn't deserve beautiful, lovely, _perfect_ Liam. He's too messed up for Liam, too messed up for anyone really. Liam knows that, has seen that for years now.

 

Liam has always been smart. _Made the smart choice now too_ , Louis thinks as he breaks out the secret tequila stash.

 

Louis falls asleep drunk on the toilet floor that night in his own vomit.

 

-

 

He dreams restlessly as he sleeps. The dreams are more like nightmares than dreams but Liam is in them so they can't really be nightmares now, can they?

 

He dreams of his broken heart back in Doncaster in when he was still in sixth form. He tries not to dream about it. These are memories more than dreams, actual nightmarish experiences and he doesn't want to have to relive them. But Liam's there. Liam's there saving him, bringing him away from that bridge he tried to jump off. Liam is there all the time even though all the memories are melding into one another and Liam is not supposed to be in them. Louis sees himself leaving hearts bleeding behind him, uncaring because he's trying to protect himself, uncaring that people call him heartless, a playboy.

 

Louis doesn't let it get to him because it will only get to him when it's wrong and he feels righteous. When he wants justice. He doesn't. He knows they are right. He is uncouth. He is selfish. And he doesn't deserve love. Never has, never will.

 

But he has a best friend, Liam, and he is happy with that. Happy with the other friends he has managed to make, Harry and Niall.

 

Doesn't care that he loves Liam with all of his being, soul and heart. Doesn't matter because he doesn't deserve it back and it's reflected in his dreams when Liam turns to him and says, "You'll never be enough."

 

-

 

Louis wakes with a gasp.

 

He nearly chokes on his own spit, but there's a soothing hand in his hair, stroking his head and for a second he is elated because _Liam is back!_ but it's actually just Harry.

 

"Hey, boo," Harry whispers, smiling at him slightly.

 

Louis' heart is still pounding and his head hurts with the intensity of a thousand hammers being banged against his skull.

 

He grunts or tries to except it turns out to be some terrible inhuman noise that has Harry guffawing like the twat he is.

 

"What are you doing here?" Louis asks, and then immediately clutches the toilet beside him to vomit into it.

 

Harry clucks beside him and rubs his back. Harry is an awesome friend. He even brings Louis a glass of water. But not as great as Lia -

 

Okay, _nope, not going to think about that._

 

Louis knows it's useless to ask for the lime juice because Harry is more likely to add all sorts of his  own 'special' ingredients than make it like how Louis _actually_ wants it.

 

"You haven't like, replied to any texts or picked up any calls since last...last night," Harry says, eyebrows furrowing as he works out the time, "So I got worried and came to check. You really should not keep the spare key under the mat. Your mat was like, two feet away from your door. And your key was all... _exposed_."

 

"Huh?" Louis blinks at him, rubbing his eyes. It's too early for this, for Harry.

 

"Nevermind," Harry sighs, "Want a piggy back ride to bed?"

 

"Yes, please," Louis immediately agrees, extending his arms towards Harry - looking awfully like a child. "I love you, Haz."

 

"Yes, so you tell me," Harry replies dryly, as he carries a koala beared-Louis on his back to the bedroom. Harry lays him down gently and smoothes the covers over him. Louis, being Louis, of course laps it all up with the attitude like he deserves it, but as Harry turns to leave, he puts a hand on his wrist and says softly, "Stay."

 

Harry smiles and climbs in beside him, wrapping arms around Louis' middle.

 

"Thank you, Haz. For - for coming to check and. And - "

 

"Oh, shut up," Harry says mildly. "It's what we always do for each other."

 

Louis sighs, and burrows back into Harry's chest.

 

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Harry finally asks.

 

"Isn't Niall going to be jealous you're in my bed and not his?" Louis retorts, effectively changing the subject.

 

"Niall is your friend too, he has been found on this bed in incriminating positions more than once himself. So, what's wrong?"

 

"What makes you think anything is wrong?" Louis asks indignantly.

 

"For one, Liam isn't here and it's a Sunday. You got drunk enough to pass out in the bathroom when there has been no party. Secondly, Liam also hasn't been replying to anything except to say he's fine. Which was a text this morning at _four am_ so I really doubt the truth of that," Harry says, glaring at Louis as though he is somehow at fault for this.

 

But Louis isn't concentrating on Harry anymore because -

 

Because Liam is alright. Liam hasn't done something stupid - not that Louis expected him to, but at least he's not dead in a dirty ditch somewhere like his imagination had supplied him somewhere between 11pm and 2am. Liam's fine and the only reason he's not back yet is because he's avoiding Louis and hates him and that's fine too. Perfectly fine.

 

"Hmm," is all Louis says. At Harry's patient green eyes gazing back at him like he'll just wait him out, Louis heaves a long-suffering sigh. Because yeah, Harry probably _will_ wait him out.

 

"Wekindofhadsexyesterdaymorning," Louis says so fast the words get garbled together and Harry's eyebrows pull together as he tries to decipher what just happened.

 

"Repeat. Slowly."

 

"Liam and I had sex. Yesterday morning," Louis says, voice impossibly small and eyes stubbornly closed shut such that when Harry crawls over to face him, he doesn't have to see the look on his face.

 

"Shit, Lou." Just because he can't see Harry doesn't mean the curly-haired freak can't see the look on _his_ face. Harry is pulling Louis close and smothering his face on his chest. It's rather nice even Louis can't quite breathe.

 

"I haven't seen him since," Louis mumbles against Harry's chest, incoming sobs starting to shake his voice.

 

"It's alright. He just needs to think," Harry says, rubbing his hands down Louis' back in long strokes. "I mean you guys have been circling around this for, like, _ever_! This is big deal and you know Liam - "

 

"No, Haz. Liam doesn't like me. He thinks it's a mistake. And it's alright. I don't care. I just want him back. I don't care if he doesn't like me like _that_ or love me the way I love hi- _im_ ," Louis says, voice cracking vulnerably, tears soaking through Harry's shirt. "It's okay. I just- just want my best friend back. Want to go back to normal. It's only been a day and I miss him _so much_."

 

"I know, love, I know," Harry says, sounding close to tears himself. "And he loves you, he _does_. He'll come back and you'll both be alright. And he'll be back to nagging at you to pick up after yourself. It's Liam, he'll never leave you."

 

"You think so, Haz?" Louis asks, finally looking up. His eyes are still brimming, eyelashes clumped together. He looks so young and so broken, it tugs at Harry's heartstrings.

 

"I _know_ so."

 

xx

 

Harry leaves after he tucks Louis back to sleep and when Louis wakes up it's evening. He feels sluggish and totally _not_ refreshed even though he's literally slept the weekend away. He pads out into the living room and continues into Liam's room and stops.

 

 _Oh_.

 

Liam still isn't back. Well.

 

Louis moves as though he's automated. He switches on electrical kettle (something Liam bought so that Louis can't set anything on fire while leaving the water to boil for too long) and shuffles to the freezer to take out the ice cream he knows Liam has stashed in there.

 

Louis ate his the day they went shopping. Liam was saving his for a rainy day, but Liam isn't coming back and Louis misses Liam, so his ice cream would have to do. He places the tub of pistachio ice cream on the coffee table in the living room and queues up _Tangled_ in the DVD player. It's a good movie, _okay_.

 

He almost sits down on the couch but in a last moment decision decides to change into one of Liam's sweaters that smell exactly like him. If Louis is going to host a pity-party, he's going to do it proper, _damn it_.

 

Louis snuggles into the couch under a quilt with Liam's ice-cream and _Tangled_ playing on the tele. He falls asleep thinking of brown hair and brown eyes, surrounded by the familiar smell of a boy, of home.

 

-

 

Louis wakes up sometime around 4.30 am - he knows not why. This is only ever an actual time for him if he's going to sleep then.

 

It's Monday and he has work today, but he doesn't want to go. Liam has work today too. He should come back, he needs his dress shirts and polished shoes - he _has_ to come back home. Maybe Louis _should_ go to work, let Liam come back in peace without having to worry about being awkward with Louis. But Louis can't face people today and he'll just stay in his room if Liam doesn't want to see him, yes.

 

Louis slaps his hand around on the couch, looking for his phone. He knows Nick will be up by now, he has to get ready for his breakfast show.

 

"Hello?" comes Nick's sleep-ridden voice when the call connects.

 

"Hey, Nick," Louis says, "Listen, I uh - "

 

"Is this Louis?" Nick asks, "Oh, it is. Just checked the ID. You are off duty today and tomorrow. But you are taking my show next week, okay midget?"

 

"Haz told you, didn't he?" Louis asks, trying to sound pissed off but just coming off really tired.

 

"Nope. No one told me anything. I am all knowing, _Lewis_. You should know that by now," Nick says snottily.

 

"Fuck off," Louis retorts without heat, and then, "Thank you."

 

Nick cuts the call on him. Louis shrugs and pulls the quilt back over his head with the intent of falling asleep again. It's going to be a while yet before the light starts to seep in through the windows and Louis feels stupid hiding underneath the quilt. He twitches and turns, wiggles this way and that. He finally huffs and pokes his head out.

 

He misses Liam so terribly he doesn't know what to do. It's like his body has lost its ability to function properly, or function at all. It's been a good 48 hour since he has last seen Liam, let alone cuddle with him - of course he is showing severe signs of withdrawal symptoms.

 

Louis wants to tear his own hair out because it's not like he hasn't ever gone longer without Liam. There was that time Louis had to go take care of his mom in Doncaster for 2 weeks when she was sick, or that time when Liam was dating that sex maniac Tom Daley and didn't come home for 4 days straight. But - But none of those cases had either of them left with their friendship hanging in the middle like a piece of meat waiting for vultures to shred apart. Louis is just _so_ afraid of losing the one thing in his life that has been a constant that if -

 

"Lou?"

 

Louis turns his head so fast his neck pops. He didn't hear Liam come in. When had Liam come in? Why is Liam coming in at 5.30am?

 

_Why is Liam talking to Louis?_

 

"Liam," Louis whimpers, unable to help himself from doing so. He almost stretches his arms out, like he always does when he has missed Liam and is demanding a super-hug, but he stops himself. Tells himself Liam wants nothing to do with him.

 

"Are y - are you alright? You look terrible," Liam says, and then immediately looks away. _Of course he does_ , Louis thinks, _he can't even stand to look at me anymore_.

 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Louis chokes out. "I was just worried about you? Because you didn't come back? Listen, I'll just - I'll just go. Yeah."

 

Louis scrambles off the couch, ignores the empty pistachio ice cream tub glaring at him from coffee table. He gathers his quilt and pillow and starts moving towards rooms when -

 

"Wait. I. I'm sorry I worried you," Liam says, rubbing the back of his neck, "I didn't mean to. It's just. Needed to think. I was at - at Zayn's place."

 

"Oh. I'm sorry too. Liam, shit. I'm sorry I screwed that up for you. I'll explain it all to Zayn. I'll take the blame, I promise," Louis starts spouting, guilt mixing in with jealousy and sadness and every other emotion in the history of mankind other than happiness. "I'll convince him to take you - "

 

"What are you talking about, Louis?"

 

It's the genuine confusion in Liam's voice that has Louis finally looking up at Liam from where his eyes were trained on his feet and his breath catches in his throat. Liam looks worn down, and tired and there are dark circles underneath his eyes and he's still so _lovely_. He still looks so _Liam_ and Louis can't stop staring and wants to hold him and tell him, scream at him _hey look at me, I'm right here, love me, **please**_.

 

"Lou?" Liam questions and takes a step forward.

 

Louis takes a step back and Liam looks like Louis just slapped him across the face.

 

"It's just that you obviously thought last...umm, you think Saturday morning is a mistake and went to Zayn to apologize and explain, and I'll go try and clear your name too, yeah? That's what best friends are for," Louis says, laughing weakly.

 

"I didn't. I didn't go to clear my name or whatever, Louis. Zayn and I aren't together. I mean, yeah, we were seeing each other but after Saturday, I broke it off. I just stayed there because I needed to think and he was cool with it," Liam reveals.

 

"Wha - ? Then? Huh. I don't understand."

 

"I screwed up, Lou and I'm so sorry. I freaked out. After you went to sleep, I didn't know what to do. You always said you'll never fall in love and I knew I had no chance and I didn't want you to wake up and look at me like I was just another one of your flings. I couldn't - I wouldn't have been able to stand that and so I just left," Liam slowly says, as if vocalizing the words for the first time and it's foreign to him too. "But then, I hated myself for that. And I know you're actually not a playboy no matter what others say, or _you_ say and I wanted to come back. But I was just so scared like you'll turn me away. I don't know why anymore. Why I was scared or why you would have turned me away because you have the biggest fucking heart I've ever known anyone to have. And then the next day Harry told me how he found you and I just _knew_ you hated me and I couldn't come back - "

 

"I could never hate you, Li," Louis murmurs, eyes never straying from Liam who looks like he's crying but it's still a little too dark and it's hard to tell.

 

"Yes, you can and you should. I'm horrible. I know what you've been through before and I just. Just did the same thing. I hate it, hate myself. I figured you hated me and wouldn't want me here and that's why I just wouldn't leave Zayn's place. It's he who finally convinced me that if I love you as much as I do then it'll be alright and that if you love me as much as he thinks you do from all that I've told him then you'll forgive me. Please, Lou - "

 

"No, Liam. _No_ , you don't get to do that. You can't say you love me when you left. And why? Because you were afraid I'll treat you like how I treat others, but guess what, you hurt _me_ when you left. When did it become a competition of who's gonna hurt who first?" Louis demands, dropping his things on the floor and striding towards Liam.

 

He's angry all of a sudden, he can't pinpoint why. Maybe it's all the stress from worrying about Liam, or about their friendship or about how Liam's never going to love him back and then now suddenly Liam is telling him all _this_ \- it's all a little too much and a little unbelievable.

 

"This is _unfair_ ," Louis says, grabbing Liam's shirt in fists and dragging him close, "It's unfair that I love you so fucking much. Have loved you for so fucking long but you always seem to date anyone and everyone other than _me_. It's unfair that I have never felt so _dirty_ when _you_ are the one that left, not even when I had sex with strangers in bathroom stalls and they got my name wrong. It's all so wrong and unfair. And I hate you and I love you and you don't love me _at all_ , okay?"

 

Louis is crying, and shaking Liam by his shirt. Liam keeps wiping Louis' tears when his own are falling freely too and he nods his head in agreement to everything Louis says. Louis wants to say that they are both stupid.

 

"But I love you though," Liam interjects, finally disagreeing, and pulling Louis' hands away from his shirt so that he can hold him close instead. They slide their arms around each other, fitting perfectly. "I love you so much and I'm so, _so_ sorry I hurt you. You're so bright, Lou, so bright that I'm always so scared of not being good enough."

 

"What are you _talking_ about?" Louis asks, lips moving against Liam's collarbone, " _I'm_ not good enough for _you_. I was so scared these past hours. Do you have any idea how long 43 hours is? I slept most of the time because being awake meant thinking about you but sleeping led to dreaming about you and that didn't help anyway. You are everywhere in my life, Liam, and all I know is that I'm not and I'll never be good enough for you because you're so perfect. But I'm selfish. I want you still. I want you and you can't leave me, _please_."

 

"I won't," Liam replies, kissing the top of his head, "I will never leave you."

 

He tries to push Louis back so that he can look at the older lad but Louis absolutely refuses to let go, so he simply guides them, clasped like that, to the couch. They fall backwards onto it and lie there in a tangled mess. Louis looks up from Liam's neck and asks, "When did you - ?"

 

"Since day one actually," Liam says, smiling finally.

 

"Really?" Louis squeaks.

 

"Yeah," Liam sighs, "Thought you were amazing. Then I found out the truth. Oi, don't hit me! But, still, I thought you were so handsome even though you used to make fun of me _all the time_."

 

"But that's because I thought you hated me!" Louis exclaims. "You used to run away from me."

 

"What do you expect? I came back one night to find you naked and dancing to Spice Girls! You were wiggling your arse." Liam gives Louis a very unimpressed look when he giggles.

 

"It's a fantastic arse!" Louis declares.

 

"I agree," Liam says fondly. "Hated you going to parties and coming back to tell me about all your shags though."

 

Louis snorts. "Please. You constantly date. You're like a serial dater."

 

"I only started dating because I wanted to get over you," Liam says softly. He pauses for so long that Louis thinks that's all he's going to say, except next he tells, "I liked them. All of them. That's why I kept hoping one of them will be it. Will be the one to make me get over you. But I never realised how can they be _it_ when I've already found that in you. It's so stupid. I spent so long telling myself you'll never want me, _telling_ myself I'm happy, I forgot what feeling happy is really like."

 

"This is stupid," Louis says glumly, and then, "You are stupid. I am too. Kiss me."

 

Liam grins at him. And slowly pulls him down so that their lips barely touch. It's nothing like their first or second or third - all of which were drunken dares - or the Saturday morning kiss - which was all heat and passion. This is all soft and sweet and the epitome of love. Something that is so uniquely their own, both men revel in it as they deepen it, deepen the meaning behind the kiss - fortify their friendship into something even stronger, even more lasting.

 

When they break apart, Louis' blue eyes are twinkling in a way they haven't in a long while and he asks Liam, "Can you feel the happy now?"

  
"Yeah, I can feel the happy now," Liam replies, smiling his warm smile that's Louis' favourite.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked it, and it wasn't too bad. let me know, yeah? :)
> 
> -Persa
> 
> [tumblr](zouislights.tumblr.com/)   
> 


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